Bleeding Love
by Annie-chan
Summary: Status: Complete. Very dark, very angsty fic about Subaru and Seishirou meeting again for the first time after Tokyo Babylon. The rating is for sexual content and swearing. PLEASE SEE MY BIO FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT MY X/1999 FANFICTION.
1. Sumeragi Subaru

**Author's Notes:**  As some of you may already know, _X_ is my favorite CLAMP manga, and is one of my favorite mangas, period.  I have recently become familiar with its precursor manga, _Tokyo Babylon_.  Of course, being the angst-monger I am, I just had to write a fic for it (at least one—I may write more _TB_ fics in the future).  This fic takes place between one and two years after the end of the main storyline (meaning I'm not counting the annexes, one of which probably takes place closer to _X_ than the rest of _TB_), making Subaru between seventeen and eighteen, and Seishirô between twenty-six and twenty-seven, if anybody cares how old they are.  Be warned, this has yaoi/shônen ai themes, and is quite dark, considering the huge rift between Subaru and Seishirô.  It'll be a two-parter, the first part being Subaru's POV, and the second part Seishirô's POV.

_Tokyo Babylon_, Subaru, Seishirô, Hokuto, and everything else in here do not belong to me, but to CLAMP, the very best artistic group in Japan (and one of the very best in the world, in my opinion).

Bleeding Love By Annie-chan Chapter One:  Sumeragi Subaru 

"Ho…ku…to…chan…Ho…kuto…chan…Hokuto…chan…Hokuto-chan…Hokuto-chan…_Hokuto-chan_…HOKUTO-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I wake up to my own screams, bolting upright in bed, my skin, hair, and nightclothes soaked with cold sweat.  I am breathing so deeply, my head is feeling faint.  My heart is beating so quickly and so hard in my chest, I feel as if it will burst out into the air, pulsing and steaming.  I am trembling violently, my teeth chattering with the force of the spasms.

Seconds after I manage to calm myself a bit, I burst into tears, wailing for my sister, my twin, my companion since birth.  It came again.  The nightmare.  That same thrice-damned dream that has plagued my sleep nearly every night since she died.  It's barely a minute long…I'm lost in a great darkness, the only thing around being millions of falling sakura petals…and then, I see them:  my almost mirror image lying motionless and bloodied on the ground, the man I hold most dear standing over her, his hand covered in her blood, his face serene.  I can only watch as he picks her up, a stinging, sadistic smile sliding across his face as they dissolve into the endless shower of sakura petals.  The nightmare comes almost as soon as I close my eyes, and plays over and over and over again, until my tortured mind can stand no more and I wake up shrieking as if mortally wounded.  It's horrible…horrible…

I crumple into a quivering, weak, helpless mass of human flesh, sobbing pathetically, my heart and soul screaming their rage and grief into the night.  I haven't had a good night's sleep since she died, the nightmare coming back nearly every time I fall asleep, keeping the almost unbearable pain fresh, the massive wound in my soul open and vulnerable to further damage.  I lost them…I lost both of them, the two I held most precious in my heart.  One dead, the other a monster of the worst type.  In a single day, my life had been turned into a living hell, and I've been writhing in the flames ever since.

"Seishirô-san…Seishirô-san…dô shite?!" I moan, my throat choked with tears.  I loved him.  I loved him from the moment I saw him sitting up in the Sakura Tree's branches, the freshly-killed body of a little girl still impaled on his right arm.  My nine-year-old heart had been too young to understand love, real love, the kind of love you wish to hold close and never let go, no matter what comes to pass.  Nevertheless, though I didn't remember our first meeting, except in dreams, I felt an emptiness inside me, aching endlessly in my soul, begging to be filled.  I had no idea that the shadowy stranger was Sakurazuka Seishirô, the kindhearted veterinarian who seemed to take an instant liking to my sister and me when we met in the picnic area of a recreation park.  No sooner had I realized just what Seishirô-san meant to me, I found myself trapped in his maboroshi, his illusion, faced with a side of him I never even guessed existed until then.  I had been helpless as he showed me that fateful first meeting between us, surfaced the marks on my hands that claimed me as his, and told me that I was only a pawn in some sick-minded game he had been playing from the moment we met underneath the Sakura Tree…all the while, taking his time in beating me nearly senseless, that demonic smirk never leaving his devastatingly handsome face.

My hands suddenly ball up into fists, and I begin pounding on the mattress, screaming so loud, I probably woke people up in the apartments below and above me, as well as on either side.  "I _hate_ you!  I _hate_ you, I _hate_ you, I _hate_ you, _you mother-fucking bastard!_"  It hurts.  Oh, God above, it hurts to say that.  Love as strong as mine had been makes even stronger hate when raped and betrayed like mine had been.  He played with me, he _used_ me, the sunny-faced puppy love he had always shown me a complete and utter lie.  I doubt I would feel more wounded and dirty if he had raped me physically.  The violation is no less.

I lay there for I don't know how long before I feel strong enough to sit up.  My tears are slowing, though still flowing freely, and I look at the clock through my blurred vision.  One-thirty in the morning.  I had gone to sleep only two and a half hours ago, and an uneasy sleep at that.  I feel almost as—no, more—exhausted as I had been when I collapsed into bed late last night.  I am perpetually exhausted anymore.  I find it harder and harder to focus on even the most mundane everyday tasks, and I look terrible, not only from lack of sleep, but lack of adequate nutrition as well.  I eat properly about as often as I sleep properly.  I'm beginning to get bony, and I was skinny to begin with.

I won't get any more sleep tonight.  I get up, shivering as I am still coated with chilled sweat.  I strip myself naked, walk into the bathroom, and take a quick shower before I dress myself in the same clothes I wore yesterday.  I had just thrown them on the floor, too tired to put them with the rest of the dirty laundry.  I live alone.  I have lived alone since she died.  I don't want company.  All company would do is remind me of the many days the three of us had spent together, enjoying each other's company, nothing in the world able to break our good moods.

I had left my wallet in the back pocket of my pants.  I pull it out and fold it open, my fingers automatically searching out and finding a single, slightly battered photograph.  It was a candid shot that Hokuto-chan had taken, trimmed to fit into the picture flap of my wallet.  All that hadn't been cut out of the picture was Seishirô-san and me, talking and laughing with each other like we hadn't a care in the world.

I fall to my knees, fat tears again streaming from my emerald eyes.  I cry bitterly into the picture, new tear marks added to those already there.  I would do anything to have those too-brief days back, anything short of outright selling my soul.  I would lie, cheat, steal…even prostitute myself or commit cold-blooded murder.  I would let anything and everything happen to me if it would only somehow stop my sister from finding her death and my beloved from finding reason to treat me as some kind of playing piece.  It's unhealthy, I know, to think that, but I just can't stop myself.

"Kamisama…Kamisama, tasukete…" I sob.  He seems to have forsaken me, but I can't help but plead for mercy.  It seems nothing on Earth will give me solace, anyway.  Only revenge will bestow some quiet in my viciously uprooted soul, though not even that will give me complete peace.  Life is a plague.  Love is a curse.  Christ, help me!

After several minutes, I place the picture back in my wallet and my wallet back in my pocket.  The apartment I solely inhabit now seems almost stifling, and I need fresh air.  I find myself on the sidewalk in front of the complex a minute later.  It's a warm night, though chilly when the wind is blowing.  I begin walking, no destination in mind.  I keep to streets I am familiar with, almost automatically walking the routes to places I frequent often, but bypassing them and heading on to something else, only to bypass it, too.  Familiar or not, I still run the risk of being attacked by the sick people who stalk the streets at night, just looking for someone to corner and play with.  Nevertheless, I don't pay much attention to my surroundings.

Big mistake.

I'm passing a large warehouse used by some company I can't recall in my almost zombie-like state of mind.  Out of nowhere, two strong arms snake around my waist and pull me up against a sleek, lithe body that could overpower a puny weakling like myself in a heartbeat, even if I was on my highest level of alertness, which I haven't been in a long time.  I am about to struggle when a familiar scent hits my nostrils, making me freeze in surprise and dread.  Only one man I've ever known always, _always_ smelled like sakura.  And, blood…I look down.  The right hand, the one fingering the buttons on my shirt, is stained red.  He's killed again.

"Tempting young men like yourself shouldn't be out this early in the morning on an isolated street such as this," a low, silk-smooth voice whispers seductively in my ear.  His left hand ceases exploring my front and drifts back behind.  I can hear it sliding into a pocket for something.  "You never know who you might encounter."  His left hand suddenly comes back around, a cloth folded semi-neatly in it, and covers my mouth and nose.  The cloth smells sickly sweet, and I almost instantly feel an irresistible urge to lie down and go to sleep.  I try weakly to get away, knowing I may never wake up again, but it's too late almost before I know what's going on.  I fall, the arms letting go of me, and I am out before I even hit the pavement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I come around slowly, a moan escaping my lips.  I am lying on a Western-style mattress, which is probably on the floor.  It is neither cold nor warm in the room I am in, and I wonder vaguely where I am.  I remember who caught me unawares, and my eyes fly open.  A hand is caressing my cheek, and it turns my head to the right as soon as I open my eyes.  I encounter one honey-brown eye and one stark white eye, both looking at me with an amused sparkle, the mouth below them quirked up in a painfully familiar smirk.

"Se…Seishi…Seishirô-san," I whisper, struggling even to talk.  I feel so overwhelmingly weak that I am amazed I don't just fall right back to sleep.  Some kind of drug had been on that cloth…

"I was wondering when you would come around," he answered smoothly.  He is lying on his side next to me, his right hand gently stroking my left cheek.  "You've been out for almost two days now.  You were so still, I could have sworn you dead."

"Hnn…do…doko…?" I manage.  I feel oddly like I'm slowly gaining strength as the seconds tick by.

"In that warehouse you were passing when I got you," he answers.  "A large part of it is unused, and I find it a fitting place to go when I want to be alone."  His smirk changes somewhat, though I can't describe how.  "It also seems to be the perfect place to hide someone.  I doubt anyone even came near this half of the warehouse in years."

I struggle to move.  "Weak…" I murmur.

"It should wear off in a few minutes," he explains.  "It never lasts long after you wake up.  Although, I was surprised you stayed out as long as you did.  You must have been as exhausted as you looked.  And, if you're wondering where I got the stuff and why, that's my business."

I don't respond.  I merely lay there for several minutes, feeling myself grow more and more normal-feeling.  Those two days I have been out were actually a blessing, as I don't feel nearly as sleep-deprived as I have been for months.  I am about to say something again, feeling almost strong enough to sit up, when he sits up himself.  He takes my right hand and seems to examine it, that smirk never fully leaving his face.  It is bare; I haven't worn gloves since she died.  The marks aren't visible all the time anymore like they were at first, anyway.  In fact, they haven't been visible at all since a few days after she died.

A shock runs through me and my half-closed eyes widen considerably as he gently presses his lips to the back of my hand, caressing softly.  A warm sensation flares up suddenly in my hand, and the Sakurazuka Pentagram glows a whitish-blue against my pale skin.  A matching sensation springs to life in my left hand as well, and I know the accursed star is just as visible there, too.

His eyes burn into mine, the smirk growing to an almost-grin against my hand, and a sudden realization hits me with such force that I would have fallen, had I not already been flat.  I still love him.  Sweet Jesus, I still love this cold-hearted murderer!  I begin to tremble, and my eyes must have been so wide as to have visible white all around the irises.

"You want something from me, don't you?" he asks, his voice saturated with a predator's thirst.  I barely suppress a moan as his tongue flicks out against his mark.  "Tell me what you want, Subaru-kun."

"I…I…Se-Seishirô-san…" I stutter.

"Oh, come now," he chides almost playfully, taking hold of me and easily pulling me into a standing position.  He brings my right hand to his lips again, his own right hand fondly petting my cheek, then sliding up into my hair.  "I can't give you anything until you ask for it."

A fearful sob escapes me, and I try to back away.  He follows, never letting an inch more of space between us.  I feel my back hit a nearby wall, and I almost cry out in panic as he presses himself firmly against me, trapping me.  I look up into his eyes, helpless.  I almost die of shame and fear when I realize my pants are terribly confining to a growing erection, and feel tears threatening to spill as he grinds his matching arousal against me.

"Ung…Se-Seishirô-san…" I pant, my skin already coated with a thin film of sweat.

"Hai?" he asks, and I almost scream in frustration at the impossible calmness in his voice.  His lips are so very, very close to mine, his warm breath sending shivers through my entire body.

"Ohh…ki-kiss me…onegai…oh, please…Seishirô-san…"

I feel his thumb slide softly over my lips.  "You've never been kissed by anyone before, have you?"

"N-no," I answer truthfully.  The word is barely spoken before I feel my mouth enveloped in his, my quivering lips parting readily as his questing tongue sweeps over and between them, sliding deep, exploring.  I moan and shudder at the intoxicating sensation of my lips being laid claim to in such a delightful way, and my arms wind around his neck, pulling me even closer to his perfectly built figure.  His hands are in my hair, massaging and kneading, sending tingles down my neck and throughout my body.  I am helpless, and willingly so, under his complete control, his overwhelming sexual attractiveness, his thoroughly dominating presence…my utter and undeniable love for his entire being.

The kiss is almost brutal at first, as if he is having a hard time restraining himself, but it gradually gets softer, gentler, until the pressure is so sweet, tears are streaming down my cheeks, my whole body feeling as if it will melt at any moment.  I almost sob in disappointment as he slowly pulls away, his tongue almost hesitatingly withdrawing, his lips leaving mine.  My own are moist and swollen from the kiss, and I slowly lick them, savoring every last bit of his beloved taste.  So, that's what a deep, passionate kiss is like…God, I want more!

I sigh softly, satisfied, yet hungrier at the same time.  He has stepped back a bit, allowing a few inches between us.  I look up into his eyes, just in time to see him smile nastily, and then…

…the soft smile on my lips disappears, and my eyes bulge suddenly as a rock-hard fist drives full force into my slender middle.

I double over, struggling for breath, unable to inhale even once for the first few seconds.  My eyes are wide, and I clutch at his arm, his fist still grinding mercilessly against me.

"You little whore," he growls into my ear as he withdraws his fist, letting me fall to the floor in a ball.  I am in an automatic protective position, and I wouldn't be able to uncurl myself if I even tried.  He kneels down and grabs my hair, yanking hard.  "You little fucking whore.  I just knew you'd do that."  He leans down, speaking directly into my ear again.  "You would just love me to take you right here, wouldn't you?"

I barely stop myself from begging him to strip me naked and fuck me long and hard right here on the floor, knowing that was exactly what he wanted me to do.  My virgin body has no experience in resisting sexual urges, and I am acutely aware of the need screaming for attention between my legs.  I can only cry, wanting him inside me so badly, yet so frightened of him to even touch me at the same time.

He chuckles and runs his tongue down my neck, earning a moan from me.  He closes his teeth over the soft flesh in the juncture between my shoulder and neck, nibbling seductively, his lips caressing my skin maddeningly.  I am trembling and almost writhing on the floor under his touch, but scream loudly as his teeth bite sharply into my skin, drawing blood.  He closes his lips over the wound and sucks softly, drinking my blood as it flows.  I cry out as the sensation gets almost too hot to handle, and I reach up and bury my hands in his thick, soft hair.

He brings his head up and kisses me hard, driving his tongue possessively between my lips, giving me a taste of my own blood.  Oh, he must know how arousing that is!  He withdraws suddenly and quickly stands up.  My eyes have barely opened when his foot suddenly and brutally connects with my side.  I scream at the kick, pain shooting through me, mingling with the lingering pleasure.  I scramble back, trying to get away.  He chuckles darkly and follows.

"Little bitch," he hisses, bringing his foot down hard on my wrist, grinding it mercilessly into the cement floor.  I scream and try to pull away.  He kicks me again, then steps on my neck, nearly crushing my windpipe, a good part of his substantial weight pressing down on me.  "You are mine to do with as I please," he grins cruelly.  "My toy, my slut, my slave.  You do as I want you to, or you'll pay in a most painful way."  He presses down with his foot, and I begin choking outright, no air reaching my lungs.  I suck in breath gratefully when he takes his foot away.  "Remember that," he warns, punctuating himself with a swift kick to the side of my head.  The world spins crazily, and I almost pass out again.

He is gone.

I lay curled up on the ground, weeping brokenly, both my body and my soul in agony.  An insistent need is still making itself known in my lower belly and between my legs, but it gradually subsides.  I lay there for a long time, all I can think of being how much I long for the days before my life fell into total ruin.  One part of me condemns Seishirô-san to Hell's mercy for what he is, for how he lives, for his sick and twisted mind, but the other part of me quails from the idea, silently pleading God to have mercy on him, to somehow show him a way to change for the better, if only because I love him with all my heart.

I slowly get to my feet at least forty-five minutes later, and I stumble outside, finding that it is night again.  I am grateful for that.  I don't want people to see the state I am in.  I lurch along, almost drunkenly, and I eventually reach my apartment building.  I almost run up the stairs to my door, fumbling for my key and almost breaking it off in the lock as I jam it into the doorknob.  I slam the door behind me, locking it again, and I almost trip at least three times as I make my way to my bedroom, not even noticing that I'm starving and should stop by the kitchen nook to grab something to eat.  I throw myself down on the bed, shrieking and crying like a five-year-old, pounding and clawing at my goose-down pillow until I find myself crying into nothing but a mess of cloth shreds and feathers.  No doubt the people in neighboring apartments can hear me, but after calls to the police during the first few screaming fits like this, they've apparently come to accept that the young man in this apartment is extremely disturbed, but refuses all help from them, the police, or doctors (I'm partly surprised that no one has taken me for a loony and tried to have me institutionalized).  They probably try to ignore me as best they can when I get like this.

I cry far into the night, soaking the remains of the pillow and the bed sheets with my tears.  "Seishirô-san!  _Seishirô-san!  I love you!_" I scream over and over again into the feathers, my voice muffled by the soft down, and I almost choke repeatedly as I inhale the fluffy stuff.

Finally, and I never look at the clock to see what time it is, I slip into a deep, almost comatose, sleep, for once mercifully free of dreams of any kind.  I do not wake until late afternoon the next day.

To be continued… 

**Author's Notes:**  Yeesh, I never intended to be so brutal on poor Subaru, or to have Seishirô so evil. O_o  Anyway, next up is Seishirô's POV, starting when he leaves Subaru crying on the floor.  I don't think it will be as long as this chapter, as this chapter got a lot longer than I expected.  Ah, well…I hope I don't disappoint you guys.  So, how did this turn out?  Please let me know either in a review or an email to mangareader@hotmail.com, onegai shimasu!


	2. Sakurazuka Seishiro

**Author's Notes:**  See chapter one for disclaimer and explanation.

Bleeding Love By Annie-chan Chapter Two:  Sakurazuka Seishirô 

I leave quickly.  That kick I just delivered to the side of your head should disorient you enough to let me get away before you sees where I am going.  True, I could get away from any normal human easily without them knowing, even if they were fully alert.  But, an onmyôji from the Sumeragi Clan is no normal human.

Gomen nasai, Subaru-kun.  I am truly, deeply sorry for what I have to do to you, but it is for our own good.  We are destined to be enemies, our love all but forbidden by fate.  It would be so much easier to try to kill each other, as we must, if we hated each other, as most enemies do.  But, no, we love each other.  Yes, Subaru-kun, I love you.  You would probably be shocked and ecstatic at the same time if I said that to you, but I can never do that.  I know I must bury my feelings deep enough as to make them seem nonexistent, so I am able to carry out my destiny as a Chi no Ryû.  You, a Ten no Ryû, would never do that.  You would cling to me so tight, and you would never let go, if I let you.  God knows, I want to let you more than anything.  But, no, it would only undo us.  I have to make you think you hate me, or perhaps, hate me for real.  You would never fight if you weren't at least under the illusion of hate.  All that would do is fuck up predetermined events big time.

It hurts.  It hurts more than any possible physical wound to do the things I do to you.  That beating I just gave you, those cruel words I just spat in your face…I have to almost physically force myself to do those things.  To see such pain in your eyes, your soul, is almost too much.  I want nothing more than to kiss those tears away, whisper words of undying love into your ear, hold and caress you as you deserve so much, love you as you've silently begged to be loved ever since I first saw you staring up at me sitting in the Sakura Tree.

I sigh as I watch you weep.  I am perched in the darkness of the warehouse rafters, able to see everything below me without being seen myself.  I am almost directly above you.

No doubt you have asked yourself the question of why I killed your beloved Hokuto-chan, instead of you, like I told you I would.  I said I intended to kill you in the hospital room, so why didn't I do it?  Because, she told me to let her take your place.  Perhaps she loved you so much, she would rather see herself than you dead.  Perhaps she knew just how deep our love is, and wished not to separate us.  Or, perhaps she somehow knew of the predestined conflict in 1999, and our roles in it.  Perhaps she knew you couldn't die yet, because starting with one member missing would put the Ten no Ryû at an automatic disadvantage.  Whatever reason, she desired to take your place as my victim, and I couldn't turn down such a final-sounding demand that she gave me.

I watch you shakily stand and stumble out of a side door to the outside.  You'll either end up at some random place you never intended to wind up at, or perhaps you'll end up at your apartment.  If I want to, I can follow your presence and find out where you are.  You haven't quite learned yet how to sense someone's presence without help, have you?

I touch my chest about halfway down the breastbone.  There is a simple, yet durable, silver-colored necklace pendant in the shape of a cross against my skin, hidden by the white fabric of my shirt.  You would probably be surprised I wear it, Subaru-kun.  Yes, I am a Shintô-Christian, like you, combining aspects of both religions into the form of Christianity that is unique to Japan.  I may not leave a very Christian life, what with my being the head of the Assassin's Clan, but I am Christian, nonetheless.  My sins are very heavy…countless murders of innocents, plus the brutal and utter betrayal of you, my true love.  I have found excitement, almost pleasurable excitement, in killing for that Tree.  It sends a thrill through me unlike any other I could experience.  As for you…I have used and abused you, lied to and tortured you.  Yes, I am doing it against my own wants and desires, but that does not make up for my doing it.  It is my darkest sin, and I continue to do it, even knowing what it is doing to you, Love.

My sins are so horrendous…I am past forgiveness, I am sure.  Surely one as blasphemous as me would never be able to wash his hands of such deeds.  Still, there is nothing stopping me from trying, ne?  Every night I pray for forgiveness, if not God's, at least yours, when this is all over, be we dead or alive.  I am sure my prayers are unheard, but hope screams eternal, as they say.

I should follow you.  I should see if you made it to your apartment all right.  I leap down to the floor and go out the door after you, seeking out your presence and following your path.  Yes, you headed to the apartment you rent by yourself, forsaking your family's residence to be alone.  I follow your path quickly, bounding easily from block to block, almost flying.  You've yet to learn this little skill as well, haven't you, Subaru-kun?

I stop at your apartment complex, going straight for the one I know is yours.  You live on the fifth floor, and I float up to your bedroom window.  It is uncovered.  You forgot to close the shades, Subaru-kun.  I make myself invisible—illusion spells are so very useful—and peer in, where you are sprawled across your bed, facedown, sobbing hysterically into what looks like was once a goose-down pillow.

You are screaming something over and over, loud enough it is almost understandable though the window, even though you are on the other side of the room.  I press my ear up to the window to try to make it out.

My heart stops.

I back away from the window, my illusion spell faltering.  My breathing is shaky and my heartbeat is rapid from my shock.  I am sure my eyes are wider than they've ever been before.

Oh, Subaru-kun…you still love me.  After all I've done to make you hate the very mention of my name, you still love me.  Oh, Lord above…

I drop to the ground, almost too hard, falling to my knees on impact.  Sudden, unstoppable tears are streaming down my cheeks, only shocking me more.  Crying?  I never cry!  Never!

I curl up against the wall of the building, shivering.  Not only is the night chilly, but my emotions have suddenly and viciously attacked, leaving me helpless and vulnerable to the memories of what I have done.

I touch the cross at my chest again, realizing what a fucking hypocrite I have been by asking for forgiveness.  I am a damned man, damned to the fires of Hell from the word go.  I bury my face in my hands, sobbing.  I am not crying for myself…no, I know full well I deserve it.  I am crying because my damn fool actions that got me headed for Hell made the one I care for the most, the one I wish more than anything to give happiness, suffer unspeakable tortures.  Oh, Subaru-kun, forgive me!  Forgive me!  I know it is near impossible, but forgive me!  Oh, dear Subaru-kun, I am so sorry…

I never had to do it.  I could have just let us love each other as we both desperately want, but I didn't.  I ruined you, practically driving you insane, and then justified it by saying I was doing it for our own good, that things would be better if we didn't have our feelings for each other standing in our way.  Sakurazuka Seishirô, you lying son of a bitch.  I didn't do it to make it easier for us to fight to the death as we are destined to do.  I did it because I am afraid, afraid of my love for you, for its undeniable and nearly overwhelming depth and passion.  I knew how much you meant to me, and I did everything I could to drive us apart.  I am a coward.  God, I am the fucking _worst_ type of coward on this Earth.  I am afraid to love.

I know I'll not stop asking forgiveness.  I am too deeply in sin to save myself, but perhaps God will hear the cries of this desperate man and see to it that this never happens again to anyone.  No one deserves to be brutalized by the one they love.  Beloved Subaru-kun…I've tormented you so much…

I get up, fleeing the premises, going I don't know where.  I am half-blinded by tears and sorrow, and I am partly surprised I don't crash in the middle of my almost blind leaps.  I only want to get away, if only for a little while.  I know, though, that I can never escape the consequences of my fucking asinine actions against you.

I find myself in a large public garden.  It is dark tonight, a sliver moon and few stars peeking through the clouds, but I instantly recognize this spot.  That large tree over there…

"You…" I whisper to the Sakura Tree, the ancient, demonic _thing_ that holds me as its slave.  "You…you're responsible for my other great sin, aren't you?  You know you've doomed me to eternal Hell, and you couldn't be happier I just made it worse for myself by torturing my dear Subaru-kun, could you?"  I hate that Tree.  I hate it with all my heart and soul.  For centuries, it has enslaved my family, turning our family heads into monsters, cold-hearted murderers whose driving thoughts are to sate the Tree's thirst for fresh human blood.  "I would destroy you.  I would destroy you, and then dance for joy that you've been purged from this planet."  Every word of that is true.  I would gladly destroy the Tree, if I could.  But, I don't even have the ability to.  The Tree has been here for centuries, perhaps even a millennium, and it will never leave willingly.  It has used any means of bewitchment necessary to keep itself from being uprooted and chopped to pieces, should anyone even consider taking it out.  People have considered removing it before, as it is a bit of an eyesore.  Yes, it has thousands of cherry blossoms every spring, but it is much bigger and stockier than all the other sakura trees in the park.  Next to them, it's almost a deformity.

Even if I was able, I still would not dare destroy the Tree.  As soon as one takes the title Sakurazukamori, their life is forever bound to that Tree.  The Tree gives them the powerful onmyôjutsu that is the preferred weapon of the Sakurazukamori, and should the Tree die, that power would be taken completely away.  I would readily see the Tree destroyed if it only meant giving up my power as an onmyôji.  However, the Tree's "gift" to its guardian is so deeply entwined around the Sakurazukamori's very being, that the Tree's death would be the Sakurazukamori's death.  To tell the truth, I am afraid to die, unless it is to give you, my dear Subaru-kun, your well-deserved revenge.  I don't want to die and face the torments of Hell, even though I know I deserve nothing else after I die.  Dying at your hands, knowing I am giving you closure by killing me, will let me enter Hell with at least some small comfort.  Otherwise, I am afraid to face my self-induced doom.  Seishirô, you fucking coward.

I have one good thought concerning the Tree.  If I should die before I pass on the title of Sakurazukamori to someone else, the guardianship will end.  The Tree will have no one to feed it, no one to fulfill its monstrous demands, wasting away and finally dying, as it should have died hundreds of years ago.  Better yet, it should never have existed.  I have no intention of naming an heir.  I intend to let it die with me.  I'll not bestow such a curse on anyone else.  Even if I had children, I would not name an heir to the guardianship of that thing.  The Tree's legacy goes down with me.

Is the Sakurazukamori automatically doomed to Hell?  Are they damned from birth, seeing as they will eventually become Japan's deadliest assassin?  Are the punished eternally for living their lives the only way they know how, the only way they were taught?  Or, does God give them a little leeway, seeing as the Tree makes a slave out of them, all but forcing them to kill and kill and kill?  Does God judge them based on if they enjoy the killing or not?  Is my mother in Hell for her holding of the title before I killed her?  Is my grandfather?  My great-grandfather?

Even if the Sakurazukamori isn't automatically destined for Hell, I know very well that is where I am headed.  I don't exactly enjoy the killings, though I find excitement in them, but my sins against my love are enough to damn me, even if I wasn't Sakurazukamori.  It is no more than I deserve.  I may not like it, but I accept it.  My sorrow is for you, Subaru-kun…oh, my dearly beloved Subaru-kun…

"You fucking bastard," I spit at the Tree.  "If you could talk, you'd be laughing in my face right now, wouldn't you?  You delight in contemplating a damned man's fate, don't you?  Especially since you've enslaved that man, body and soul, beyond any release, am I right?  I have no choice but to serve you until the day I die."  I don't care what happens next.  I just want the Tree to feel my hate.  I pull several black ofuda from my overcoat, automatically fanning them out before I throw them, casting a spell powerful enough to instantly kill your average human.

The Tree strikes back, as I expect.  Tendrils of power lash out from the trunk and branches, reaching toward me.  I can't stop myself from screaming as they wrap around me, licking at my skin, sending stabbing pain through my entire body.  It finally drops me after an endless moment of pain.  It won't kill me.  It knows full well I haven't named an heir, and it's scared to death that I never will.  Heh.  Its fear is rightly founded.

I lay on the ground for a moment, twitching every now and then, and then struggle to my feet.  I take note, with a satisfied smirk, that a large gash is in the side of the Tree's trunk.  The next few humans I feed to it will heal the gash, but for now, I am happy I hurt it.  I leave the garden, heading back to your apartment complex, wishing to check up on you one last time tonight.  It is only a couple hours until dawn, as indicated by a large outdoor clock I pass by on my way there.

You are asleep.  I breathe a sigh of relief.  You look like you are sleeping soundly, and you are perfectly still, save for your breathing.  I hope I am interpreting right that you are having no nightmares.  You need your rest.  You looked almost dead when I captured you in the street, and that two days of rest you got while you were out was probably all but canceled out by our encounter afterwards.  Forgive me, dearest…

I kiss my fingertips and press them to the glass, wishing I could taste those beautiful, full lips again, no matter how much I deserve not to.  You do not know how much I wanted to take you right on the warehouse floor, like I know you wanted me to.  I barely kept myself restrained from doing just that, and my body still hates me.  I long to feel that perfect body pressed against mine again.  I yearn to claim your lips with mine again.  I crave to feel you helpless and naked under me, bucking up against me in abandon, your pleasure and desire taking you completely over.  Oh, if only you knew how sweet and tempting you taste, if only you knew just how achingly sexy you are.

I vacate the area, going back home.  None of my neighbors know they live next to a sinner, an assassin, a monster.  They all think I am the cheerful, kind-hearted head of the local veterinary clinic.  In a way, they're right about the head of the veterinary clinic part, but not the cheerful and kind-hearted part.  They would be shocked to find out it was all a tremendous sham.

I kick off my shoes and take my overcoat and tie off before curling up in bed.  I don't feel like getting any more undressed than this.  It has been an exhausting night.  Before I fall asleep, I reach over to the bedside table and take a small picture frame from the top drawer.  The frame holds a picture of you, my lovely Subaru-kun.  It is a trimmed shot that Hokuto-chan took, and you are standing at the base of Tokyo Tower, surrounded by pigeons.  Hokuto-chan must have asked you to smile or pose or something just before she snapped the picture, for you are flashing an impromptu peace sign, a charming little grin that couldn't have been planned gracing your boyish face.  Most of the picture is you, but the base of Tokyo Tower and the pigeons are in the picture enough to give you a good surrounding.

The boy in that picture is dead, and I was the one that killed him.  All that's left is a broken soul, a wounded heart, a bleeding love.  It's all my fault, all my fault…

I feel tears flowing from my eyes again, and I kiss the picture, all the shame and guilt rushing at me again, threatening to destroy me in their intensity.  I cry myself to sleep, clutching the picture to my chest, wishing with unmatched fervor that I had been more foresighted, more sensitive to what an ass like me can do to such an innocent soul like you.

"Oh…Subaru-kun…dear Subaru-kun…I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"

Owari 

**Author's Notes:**  Before you ask, the apartment Subaru rents is a different one than the one he and Hokuto shared in _TB_.  Just thought I'd clear that up.  Yes, I know Seishirô may have been rather OOC in this, but I really do think he has these emotions, he just never shows them in _TB_ or _X_.  The closest he ever got was when he died in book 16 of _X_, and he died too quickly to convey what I think is the true depth of his emotions concerning Subaru and what he forced Subaru through.  I do hope you all like this.  Do you?  Please tell me in a review, or send an email to mangareader@hotmail.com, onegai shimasu!  I'm thinking of writing a follow-up taking place right after Seishirô dies and posting it in the _X_ section, and I'd like to know if you all would like to read it!


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